Mommy Guilt

Mommy guilt...I get it. It comes as naturally to me as breathing, reading, sleeping, and snacking on sugar treats at inappropriate times. It should be all capitals for me - it hits that hard. MOMMY GUILT.

Do you know what I'm talking about? Please tell me I'm not the only one.

I had a vision for this summer...sunny days by the pool, with a picnic lunch. Home for some quiet time with books or (my least favorite) video games, maybe a nap. Long walks after dinner, trips to the park, afternoons spent baking or visiting with family and friends.....Visions that danced like sugarplums in my head.

Let me tell you what happened. We went to the beach. Awesome good time. We had one truly excellent regular week, the exact image of what is described above. My grandma died. BAM! Vision shattered. Suddenly, I'm vomiting and queasy and tired and just don't feel good. BAM! Baby on the way. Vision blown to smithereens.

So, here is what the days look like lately. Daddy makes breakfast while Mommy tries not to die. Children play Wii. Mommy may or may not crawl downstairs to lie on couch, trying not to get sick. Mommy may just stay in bed, making runs to the bathroom my only exercise. Children play Wii. Daddy feeds children lunch. Mommy sleeps, waking when they cry from fighting or need of conflict resolution or whatever but unable to get the energy to help. Daddy feeds children dinner. Mommy tries not to die from smells. Daddy puts children to bed after taking to the park, pool, movie, something to get them out of the house. Mommy tries not to be sick and then goes back to sleep.

You are jealous, aren't you?

My poor boys. This week, well Wednesday and Thursday, have been much better. After an episode I'll not share with anyone but God and Steve, the Dr. put me on some new medication. Wednesday we made it to the park and grocery store and to see my uncle with his new daughter. Yep, we sure did. And we went out to dinner. Then today we went to the library, got much needed haircuts for school, I made lunch and then we went to the pool. And after we got home from the pool, I cooked dinner. Yep, I did. To quote Nicholas it was "a new record!"

The reality is this: Steve can do it. He can function to serve meals and drive to the park. But, he is not me. He is not Mommy. He doesn't know that Luke won't touch turkey and Nicholas hates ham and only likes turkey with salt and pepper. He never cuts off the crusts and thinks fried apple pies is a perfectly acceptable breakfast. (The worst part being he gave two pieces to Nick and none to Luke! Rookie mistake...) He hasn't spent the last 9 years, 100% dedicated to serving these boys and showering them with love and making sure every need they have is met before they know they have it. He is Daddy and he is awesome, but he is not Mommy. And I am so glad our Creator designed this to be a two man job, because he meets a million needs that I cannot, but the same is said about me.

Folks, this trimester has two weeks left. I'm on a new prescription and feeling much better. Now maybe the last 6 days I have of this summer can be saved and I can treasure my boys. Please Lord, let the end be in sight.

Visions of summer days are dancing in my head....